Rachel:
So did they call you to tell you your name’s gonna be in this?
Joey:
No. They really like me over there. They want to do a big profile on
me, but I said no.
Ross:
Why’d you say no?
Joey:
Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I
said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and
made my character fall down the elevator shaft. So who knows what I
might say this time.
Chandler:
If only there was something in your head to control the
things you say. (Joey nods his agreement.)
Rachel:
Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and
plus y’know the publicity would be really good for your career! And
you deserve that! And if you do the interview you can mention, oh I
don’t know, gal pal Rachel Green?
Chandler:
Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?
Rachel:
Don’t listen to him. Please?
Joey:
Fine! All right, I’ll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the
next table so you can stop me if I y’know, start to say something
stupid.
Ross:
Just then or-or all the time, ’cause we-we have jobs y’know.
Rachel:
Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal
pal Rachel Green. (Excited) Ha-ha! I’m gonna be in Soap Opera
Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle.
(Looks at
Joey.) Seriously, proud of you.
Joey:
Yeah.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central
Perk, Joey is there for his interview and everyone but Phoebe are
hiding on the couch.]
The
Interviewer: I really appreciate you
taking the time to do this.
Joey:
Oh, not at all. Happy to do it.
[Cut to the
rest of the gang sitting low on the couch and craning their necks to
watch the interview.]
Monica:
(To Chandler) You think we’re being obvious?
Chandler:
No, we’re just four people with neck problems. You talk like this.
(Out of the sides of their mouths.)
[Cut to the
interview.]
The
Interviewer: (To Joey) Y’know I think its
great you wanted to meet here. Y’know when most people hear the
magazine is paying for it they want to go to a big fancy restaurant.
Joey:
(laughs) Actually, I didn’t know the magazine was paying for it.
Wouldn’t have mattered, I’m doing this for the fans, not for the
free food.
Gunther:
Can I get you anything?
The
Interviewer: Umm, I’ll have a cup of
coffee.
Joey:
And I’ll have all the muffins.
[Cut to the
gang.]
Phoebe:
(entering) Hey!
Ross:
Shhh! We’re not talking.
Phoebe:
Oh. Finally! Oh. (Sits back in relief.)
[Cut to the
interview.]
The
Interviewer: So, according to your bio,
you’ve done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives.
Anything you’re particularly proud of?
[The next one
is from Episode 304: The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel, Joey is
on Amazing Discoveries.]
Host: Folks,
has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a
nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a
cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin'
hard to open.
Joey:
Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton and spills milk on the
counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
Mike: And there
is Kevin.
[Cut forward.]
Mike: This is
the first time he’s ever used this product, he's never used this
product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do.
(To Kevin)
Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you
jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.)
This works with any milk carton.
Joey:
(finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy.
(Starts
to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.
(The crowd ahhs.)
[The next one is from Episode 322:
The One With The Screamer, it’s the end of Joey’s play.]
Lauren: So this
is it? Victor?
Joey:
Yeah, I guess it is. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship,
(Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and
a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of
it) and I’m gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative
fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone.
But I won’t have aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your
great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne… baby…I’m gonna want to meet her.
(The ladder
retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7.)
[The next one
is from Episode 204: The One With Phoebe’s Husband, when everyone
including Julie is watching Joey in his porno.]
Joey:
Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier,
I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I
do…so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my
line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for the paper tray.
Chandler:
Nice work my friend.
Joey:
Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's
butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am,
there I am…
[Cut to the
interview.]
Joey:
Well, there are so many things, it’s hard to pick just one.
[Cut to the
gang.]
Phoebe:
I’m gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything?
Rachel:
Oh yeah, I’d actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea.
Ross:
Uh, double latte, extra foam.
Chandler:
And a bagel with only…
Phoebe:
(interrupting him) I was just being polite!
[Cut to the
interview.]
The
Interviewer: Okay, how about when you’re
not working. What do you do in your spare time?
[This starts
another series of flashbacks about Joey’s hobbies. The first one is
from Episode 703: The One With Phoebe’s Cookies, Rachel is teaching
Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.]
Joey:
(drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger
boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of
the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names their boat Coast Guard
anyway?
Rachel:
That is the Coast Guard.
Joey:
What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there.
(Points to the coast.)
[The next one
is from Episode 603: The One With Ross’s Denial, Joey is amazing
Phoebe and Monica by holding his breath.]
Chandler:
(entering) Hey!
Phoebe:
Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his
breath for almost four minutes!
(We see Joey
who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down
and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move
because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.)
Joey:
(To Chandler) Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?!
[The next one
is from Episode 507: The One Where Ross Moves In.]
[Scene:
Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he
closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but
this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.]
Chandler:
Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the
cowboy hat is a little much?
Ross:
(popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress)
Come on, it's
fun!
Chandler:
All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a
bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?
Joey:
Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!
...
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